Time Machines and Holidaying in Amsterdam



 And now, finally, after months of research we finally submit our first, but no means last scientific paper on time travel. As we all know, thinker and thought provoker, theorist Albert Einstein came up that world famous equation e = mc squared, where energy is derived from mass times the speed of light, a constant (c).  His theories on relativity and time travel have occupied our minds over many centuries but has one ever thought why as one gets older time travels faster. Is it really relative to the ‘e’ formula? Yes it is – without going into great depth as to how time travel really works without travelling faster than the speed of light we need to look into this great formula and how it equates to the humanoid.

First, some simple algebra:

Space = m
Fat = x
Muscle = y
Fat + Muscle = x + y
Muscle + Fat = y + x
Fat uncle = 100Kg (fat 80Kg + Muscle 20Kg)
Muscular uncle = 100Kg (Muscle 80Kg + Fat 20Kg)

These two uncles therefore weigh the same at sea-level, therefore their mass must be the same. But it isn’t is it? Fat people will tell you that they feel heavier than thinner people. Why?
They consume more space. Space is mass after all. Believe me, Einstein said it. But not only it’s a proven fact that people at the gym pumping iron think less than people that don’t. Thinking = energy.
More thinking about having sex with Pamela Anderson, Anne Hathaway and Britney Spears creates more energy. Neither energy nor mass can be destroyed. Energy becomes mass. When youngsters tell you they cannot study any more because their brains are sore, it’s because of this very fact. Brains become sore after thinking not because they have nerve endings, but because the brain is becoming heavier. Youngsters don’t often think that, is why they consume less space.

Theory One:
Fat people consume more space…
Thin people consume less space…
When one is told that drinking is bad for you you must realise that the person telling you this is not a scientist. Drinking makes you think more and therefore your mass goes up. If you don’t believe us weigh yourself after a heavy night out. More space = more energy and therefore more mass.

When one drinks time flies. This is because you are now thinking more and generating more energy.
If e = mc squared then c = square root(e/m). Therefore as our energy goes up our mass increases and by this we move faster. Yes, we actually move faster when we drink.
BUT, that is not all… because we think more as we get older we generate more energy and we also move faster.
So, if we drink more or we get older we move faster.
Which means anyone that is drinking more and getting older must be moving damned fast. Yes, faster than the speed of light. That’s why when one drinks and is older one can determine what one’s spouse is going to say before the night is over because they have heard it before it’s even been said.

Theory Two:
It’s a known fact that there is an incredible amount of energy released when an atomic bomb is detonated, whether plutonium, uranium or cobalt. This is because of critical mass. Instability. Our second theory relies on instability – which is not a constant unless one smokes marijuana. Now Mary Jane, pot or whatever you would to call it is not just a wonder herb. It generates an infinite amount of energy. One puff and the world ignites. Note how the more a person smokes Marijuana the more they think. An incredible supplement to one’s diet. In Holland, well known land of intellectuals it’s no wonder that time moves so fast. Did you know that in one coffee shop in Amsterdam alone more energy is created in ten minutes than all the explosives of WW II. It’s mind boggling. I was there in 1986 – I arrived at 20:00 and left at 24:00 but yet it felt like a mere 10 minutes. Yet, my mass was the same the next morning. I measured myself, less space. I was actually using up less space! Looking back at our tried and trusted formula I can only determine that I was generating more energy then because I was travelling at faster than the speed of light. Yet things were so serene. Therein lies the secret my friend – Marijuana creates the impression that you are moving slowly, taking in the joys of life but in actual fact you are moving faster than the speed of light because again, the tremendous energy content in one spiff.

To wind up the theory file, we need to end off with some more interesting facts:

Note how drug abusers and drinkers age faster than non abusers. Time flies, not because of the fun you’re having but because of the energy dissipated when thinking.
Boring people always look young – time moves slower for them because there is very little to talk about – less energy, less mass.
Fat people are movers and shakers and because they consume more space they travel faster. Note how all our leaders are told to be fat and shiny. Tremendous amount of energy.
Thin people are movers only if they take marijuana. Less space does not mean less mass. The more marijuana the more thinking. Thinking = energy = mass.

And last but not least: It’s time I went to Amsterdam again. It took me six days to compile this article yet it felt like ten minutes.

Article compiled by The Mythbusters – Drink and Time Travel (thanks to Admin)

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