Jeepers, another hair-raising drive home from work. Sitting in a two lane 100Km/Hr zone (60MPH) , two cars behind, a flashy white Mercedes doing a dirty number with his headlights – the guy had to get passed and he wanted to get passed badly. He might have had a bad case of diarrhea or hey, maybe even a microsecond of pulsating haemorrhoid’s but one thing was obvious he needed to show everyone that he was the king on this road. Fortunately a polite driver gave him a gap and he was off. Such power, such eloquence! I then looked up at the dimming sky and realised with dismay that a full moon was in the making. I thought of the song “Bad Moon Rising”and wondered whether John Foggerty had my thoughts in his mind as he strutted out this famous song. I am afraid to disclose this vital piece of information less all the psychiatric wards open their doors for me but have you noticed the way people drive when it’s either stormy or the full moon is up. I live in sunny South Africa. I live in the kingdom of South Africa, Cape Town, notorious for two things more famous than the famous table cloth and mountain: Bad driving and drunk driving. The joke many years back was about avoiding cars with a “CY” prefixed number plate. This meant the car came from Bellville. Go to Bellville and “CY”. The capital of the northern suburbs. Ten years ago I linked bad driving to a specific phase of the moon. To be more clear – full moon. Scientists now read my theories in awe. Simply put, the accelerator pedal inclination is directly dependent on the moon phase. Full moon equals full power. But not only that, the moon phase determines not only the amount of fuel air mix required to make the vehicle move forward but the amount of brain cells required.
Before the turn of the twentieth century it was decided by many, that did not know, that driving over 100 m.p.h. could cause the blood to leave the body. Now we are in the twentieth century and have discovered that the exact phase of this lunar delight determines how many brain cells are required to complete a function, whether slapping the wife around a little, beating your boss and yes, pushing pedal to the metal. Ask the authorities. There is proof finally that with a full moon less brain power is required to complete a specific function. Moon size and gravitational pull on loose brain cells are correlated. I have this in my thesis on “One New One Idiot One Full – A World Full of Idiots”. Further testimonial can be obtained from the book “Living in this world without a brain”, written by A. Politician, believed to be written in 1930. I was about twenty when this book was written and this librated my thoughts, pun intended. Yes my friends, the moon phase is directly linked to our feeling of bravado, sexiness and sadly, sometimes bad behaviour. Many of us, salesmen and lawyers especially, can think of ourselves as near invincible but when that full moon phase hits us, we truly become invincible. Did you know for instance that at full moon…
- A bull elephant fornicates at least thirty times before calling it a night! Lunar weight.
- A flea jumps thirty feet without the help of a springboard! Lunar attraction.
- Automobiles are much faster! Lunatic.
- People can get fatter! Balunar.
- The result of eating too many beans! Flattulunaration.
Sadly, many of these words cannot describe the feeling we have when driving our motorways when the moon is high and the sky is low.
This article written by a famous member of the “Ye Members of the Flat Earth Society” , Sacrelunal.