Hey geniuses, this is Sam again!”
Noticed the similarity between trying to get home quickly, a bus blocking the lane and a plodder in the shopping aisle where you need something?
Today our topic is Xmas shopping. Have you ever noticed that most people with rather large butts have leather skins. They stand in the alleyways of a mall blocking all traffic. When they move it is always sloth like. Grab another apple Granny. Grab another brandy Uncle. Good grief – I hate shopping! What is the cause of this – the old story about “the silly season” should be changed to “Fat Season”. Fat enveloping the belt season. I hate shopping with the wife because she thinks and will always think like a woman – “hunter gatherer syndrome”. She hates shopping with me because I think, yes, I think like a man. “Caveman syndrome – buyer’s remorse is a guy thing. Think quickly – cry later.” Woman prefer to shop with their friends and female kin. Guys prefer to shop by themselves. “Wham-Bam-Thank-U-Mam”, that’s my motto. In and out. Suddenly we have the lady from hell blocking all avenues. Her trolley sideways is smaller than her butt. I see these beautiful trim young girls and sleek older folk moving along the aisles like well oiled machines and suddenly – normally the longest aisle – we have the “Fat Man Competition”. Trolley standing sideways while they are checking out a tin of baked beans. No, they are busy digesting that tin, metal and all, in their minds. I wish they would just fart and go away. But no, it’s not to be. As you turn around you see another zeppelin in your pathway examining a tin of lard or whatever makes you fatter – shall it be for Jack’s Eleven or the Queen of Size, shall it be for Harry Zeppelin or for the trim wife?
Guys and slothss are not made for shopping! In and Out! Buy now and repent later. Actually they should hang bad shoppers at the posts as one arrives. To see the demise of uneducated shoppers. I’d be the first one to go! I’d hang the zeppelins first though but the posts would be too weak.
“”Magazines to the left of you,
Brussel Sprouts to the right
Stuck in the aisle with you.” Steeler’s Wheel – in the ’70’s somewhat.
Jack Sprat had enough fat,
So gave his wife a tin of beans,
And so betwixt the two of them,
The platter was always clean.
Jack ate all the lean,
The both discarded all the fat,
The bones they picked it clean,
Did not give it their brat.
Jack Sprat was wheeling,
the trolley down the aisle,
The trolley punctured a zeppelin,
Because that was his style.
Says Joan, “that man was nearly killed”,
But Jack did reply,
“that man was over filled,
and needs to be electrified”.
Sadly, the fatter you are the slower you move. There are two ratios that has now become apparent to this natural digressing:
- The waist versus butt ratio: For females. The ratio will stay the same until the girth of the waist = daily waste in kilograms.
- The waist versus butt ratio: For males. The belly circumference exceeds twice daily waste then you are full of shit, so get out my aisle.
This article wasn’t written to ridicule porkers – seriously. Thin people just have more time on their hands to wind surf.